alongmaway

As expected he confessed.. and it wasn’t me. Haha although I saw this coming it really burns.. so much that I just want to break all ties with him. Why are relationships so hard for me, it’s pretty sad how I never had a boyfriend before too. Why am I getting attracted to the wrong people?

I honestly just want to sit here all night in cry. Is it ever possible he can like  me? Should I just give it up now? Am I wasting my time? These questions all surround me but I don’t want to give up that last sliver of hope.

I know he doesn’t like me for sure and it burns. Every time I think about him my heart hurts. Why does it have to be like this, the more I like him, the more friendly he is to me, the more pain I’m in. I don’t really know what love is but the feelings I have toward him are the closest thing to love I have ever experienced. I just wish something can happen between us but I feel it is so unlikely.. even if he thinks I’m cute I don’t think that can start anything. 

Whenever he smiles at me I can’t help but just smile back. I want to be more strong but around him I feel so weak. I’ll probably will continue seeing him until the end of summer, at this point the only way for me to get over him is for me to start liking someone else. I don’t want to avoid seeing him or want to tell him my feelings. I’m so scared he will shun me out. I guess this is God’s way of showing me how I hurt some people, karma’s a bitch. Why do I like him so much, why can’t I just stop. These thoughts always roam my head and I feel like crying.

And today those feelings have been getting stronger.. he probably doesn’t like me at all and is just contacting me because he is bored. Honestly I don’t want to discuss this kind of stuff with just anyone because it’s embarrassing. Most people would respond with like ‘oh but you’re so pretty’, then is that it? Is my personality that weird and horrible? I don’t know what is worse, getting rejected because of your looks or your personality.. both are equally bad since we are just born with it kind of. I mean personality changes by what one experiences and I can’t control what happens to me.

Whatever hit me I feel made me more strong as a person. At the same time though I’m a super sensitive small person in a big world. I know this shouldn’t affect me so much but that’s all I think about these days.. haha pretty sad. I should use this energy to make me study but it just unmotivates me more. 

So I’ve been liking this one boy. It’s kind of weird how we encountered each other, who knew that my old taekwondo school would help start a conversation with the new guy in my chem class. It’s so weird, once we started small talk, I fell for him. It wasn’t like he is super attractive or had a super amazing personality either like my past crushes. I just really like him.

But I’m scared, I took the initiative for everything. How we became friends, how I have his number, maybe I’m doing too much. Maybe I’m overanalyzing everything, maybe I’m just imagining everything to be directed toward me. I mean I feel like I have so many more cons then pros and these thoughts remain inside of me.

Today I remembered a past memory of a person I used to like. We were best friends in middle school after graduation he went to a high school in a different district. When I found out a year or two later that we would be going to the same high school I let go of my trapped feelings for him and he told me that in middle school he felt the same way. But since we haven’t seen each other in a long time I told him to wait until we met again to see if our feelings changed. Few days later I found out he had a girlfriend.

He even asked me for advice since his girlfriend was upset because he was switching schools. I burrowed my feelings and told him the best advice I could give ‘tell her that she is the only girl you need and that you will try to call her everyday’ and what was his response? ‘please tell me some actual advice’. Not only was I already heartbroken but was HE being angry at ME. Well I guess things happen for a reason.. people say he’s flirting with me but I hope not because honestly he’s a nice guy but he’s still an asshole.